Why you shouldn't give the Dark Lord muffins
by Insane. Certifiably
Summary: Hermione has an idea. Voldemort goes on a sugar rush. Lame summary, I know.


AN: This is a story I wrote for my English assignment. If you don't at least smile while reading this, there's no hope for you. It's my first fic, so I'd love to hear what you have to say.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. If I did, it wouldn't be the series we know and love.

Harry was preparing to go out and fight Voldemort when Hermione came running up, holding a covered basket. She thrust it into his hands.

"What is this?" Harry asked, completely bewildered.

"A way to beat Voldemort," Hermione said proudly, "I had the house-elves whip it up."

Ron pulled back the cover and peered into the basket. He looked back up with an incredulous look.

"Muffins, Hermione? How are muffins supposed to help?"

Harry pulled back the cover to see for himself. Sure enough, he was holding a basket of slightly steaming muffins.

"Just trust me, Ronald." Hermione snapped. She turned back to Harry and opened her mouth.

"Are they poisoned?" Ron interrupted.

"No, Ron, they're not poisoned."

"Then what are they supposed to do?"

"I was getting to that." Hermione sighed. "Just get the basket into the camp and try not to laugh."

"That's it?" Harry said, "What will they do?"

"They'll cause whoever eats them to run around like a chicken with its head cut off for about ten minutes before fainting. Then you can use the Immoblius charm on the passed-out Death Eaters."

"Why hasn't anyone thought of this before?" Harry wondered.

"Sometimes the simplest things are the hardest to think of." Hermione explained.

Before she could say more, Professor McGonagall came rushing up. "Potter! Where have you been? What are you carrying?"

"Something to defeat Voldemort, professor," Harry explained.

"Well, come on then. We haven't got all night."

She turned around and strode away. Harry hurried after, still hanging onto the basket of muffins.

Finally he arrived, after tripping over what felt like the millionth tree root. He pulled back the cover to check on his cargo. Miraculously, all the muffins were still in the basket. He turned around and surveyed the clearing. McGonagall had told him that the Death Eaters had made camp in Aragog's old clearing and so there they were.

Voldemort was sitting in the middle, twirling his wand between his fingers and emitting serious bad-guy vibes. The Death Eaters were ranged around the clearing, simply waiting.

Abruptly, a centaur broke through the foliage at the opposite side. All the Death Eaters turned as one, with the omission of Voldemort, who continued staring at the fire.

Harry pointed his wand at the basket. "Wingardium Leviosa," he whispered. The basket of sugary goodness rose into the sky and floated across the space to come to a stop just behind Voldemort.

Not a moment too soon. The Death Eaters finished chasing away the centaur and turned around.

"What's that?" asked a particularly stupid one.

"It's a basket you moron, what does it look like?" snarled Lucius Malfoy's voice.

"What's in it?" asked the particularly stupid one's equally thick partner. Before Lucius could give him a long lecture on why this was a very stupid idea, the partner had stumbled across the clearing, picked up the basket, and lifted the cover. "Its muffins!" he exclaimed.

"What?"

The voice came, to everyone's surprise, from Voldemort.

He stood quickly, strode over the Death Eater holding the basket, and snatched it from him. He tore the cover off and began devouring muffins. Harry's jaw dropped as he watched Voldemort go from evil villain to absurd muffin-eater in a matter of seconds. The Death Eaters seemed just as surprised as Harry was by this abrupt change in their leader.

Belatrix was the first to recover her voice. "Um, my lord, what are you doing?"

"Hmm?" Voldemort looked up at her with muffin crumbs all over his robes.

"What are you doing?" Belatrix repeated.

"Eating muffins," replied Voldemort as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Even Belatrix seemed at a loss for words after that. In the bushes surrounding the clearing, Harry was doubled over with silent laughter, which only increased at the look on Belatrix's face when Voldemort held out the basket.

"Would you like one?" he offered.

Belatrix looked as though he'd just asked if she wanted to have troll dung shoved up her nostrils. "No, my lord, I do not want any _muffins_." Belatrix spat the word _muffins_ as though it had burned her tongue.

Voldemort shrugged. "Suit yourself," he mumbled, and went back to eating muffins.

A few minutes later, Voldemort was running around on a muffin-induced sugar high, shooting random spells willy-nilly. The Death Eaters were staring openmouthed at their leader as he made a complete and utter fool of himself. They quickly decided that this was not a bright idea as one of Voldemort's spells went shooting through a tree right behind the group, narrowly missing someone's head.

The Death Eaters scattered like rabbits. Suddenly, there were no Death Eaters in sight, except Voldemort, who was still running around screaming at the top of his lungs and shooting spells at random. He did a few more laps of the clearing, and then careened off into the woods.

Like magic, the Death Eaters reappeared the second their leader disappeared and stood in a huddle, conferring in whispers. Approximately ten minutes later, as Harry was debating leaving, Voldemort came staggering back into the clearing and passed out in the middle.

"He's going into sugar withdrawals!" Belatrix screamed, "Someone get the paddles!"

Fenrir Greyback came running, carrying a defibrillator he'd found who knew where.

"Clear!" Belatrix shrieked and pressed the paddles down on her master's chest. Voldemort's body shuddered as electricity shot through it and his eyes snapped open.

"My lord?" Belatrix whimpered.

Voldemort slowly and deliberately pulled his wand out. "Stupefy." He said quietly, pointing at Belatrix. There was a flash of red light and Belatrix fell to the ground, unconscious. Voldemort leapt to his feet and began blasting spells into the Death Eaters. Suddenly, there was complete pandemonium, Death Eaters running in all directions, everyone shooting spells every which way.

When the smoke cleared and the dust settled, all the Death Eaters were unconscious on the ground, with the exception of Voldemort, who was standing in the middle, swaying slightly. Harry pulled out his wand to jinx him, but before the wand even cleared his pocket, Voldemort had toppled over into the dirt.

Harry shrugged and walked out into the middle of the clearing. He directed his wand upwards and fired out a burst of green sparks, the signal that the others could come and get the Death Eaters. While he waited, Harry busied himself removing wands and immobilizing wizards. He was almost finished with this task when McGonagall, Hermione, Ron, and some other Order members.

The teachers and Order members set to work rounding up the semi-conscious Death Eaters and Harry pulled Hermione aside.

"Hermione, I was wondering, what potion did you put in those muffins?"

Hermione grinned. "No potion, just sugar."

Ron gaped at her. "Sugar caused the Death Eaters to pass out like this?"

"No," Harry corrected, "Voldemort caused them to pass out like this."

Seeing his friend's looks of astonishment, Harry proceeded to tell them the entire story. By the time he'd finished, they had tears of laughter running down their cheeks.

"See," Belatrix said to Lucius Malfoy as they were carted away, "this is why you shouldn't give the Dark Lord muffins."

_Fin_


End file.
